#I was like we gotta chill at least I was prescribed pills

[starstyff]

Am I too old to be having mental breakdowns or is the world really painful to exist in right now? Am I too old to be having mental breakdowns or am I placing undo stress on myself with no recourse? Am I too old to be having mental breakdowns or have I failed to to give myself grace? Am I too old to be having mental breakdowns or was I told that eventually my moods would even out and I neglected the very real active and conscious effort required for that to be true?

[simper-maximus]

Courtiers Headcanons Yoo

Thoughts are flooding my head, here is me draining it out even though I have no experience in writing.

Now, warning: I only finished Lucio's route so these could contain inaccurate information. Since I basically know most of the story from memes. Oh well.

Today's topic is bodily functions and other slightly disgusting stuff. Enjoy.

Volta

➼Overall there is a common headcanon (or maybe it's canon? don't remember) that the courtiers do not need to eat, and thus have no bodily functions overall.

➼In my opinion, while that is mostly true, it only is to an extent. They don't need to eat, but if they do, you better believe it has to come out too

➼With that being said, Volta, with all her eating, practically lives in the loo

➼The first month when she got to the palace and became the darling lil procurator we know, she was overjoyed by being fed whenever she felt like it

➼(Which is basically all the time because everyone though of her as some sickly victorian child wannabe) (And hey, gotta feed the workers)

➼And at first everyone though it was because her scrawny body was just getting used to the now normal food intake

➼But nah she just had no control over herself and would go full sneaky mode and eat five cow's worth of food a day whoops

➼So the cooks and even Nadia got concerned

➼Why is this precious baby always running to the bathroom?? Is the food contaminated? But everyone else is fine??

➼They took her to the head doctor, darling Valdemar to check for allergies because what if she is lactose intolerant? Or has gluten problems?? They can't risk losing their most accurate poison check worker

➼This obviously annoyed the other demon because damn it, WHY couldn't Volta just chill and at least TRY not to raise attention?

➼In the end Valdemar prescribed her some fake pills and got her her own bathroom. Problem solved, nobody is suspicious now

Valdemar

➼Another headcanon I see often is that their shell of a body is fused with their clothes, basically making it part of the disguise

➼Yeah, no

➼They work with blood and other non solid waste that could stain their clothes

➼If those clothes were fused with their body it would make it sooo much harder to keep it clean

➼Not to mention anything could get stuck in that delicate fabric. Geting all up in the nooks and crannies

➼Good luck washing it out if that is the case. They'd have to throw their whole self in the washing machine

➼That being said they have a normal body under the uniform, and take daily showers even if they didn't get particularly dirty that day

➼They do however use those very old block soaps that makes your skin texture feel sticky in a way too clean sense. Either that or the strongest one they can find. Doesn't matter that it makes their skin dry as hell

➼That being said their skin is unbelievably dry all the time. Please put some lotion on them

Vulgora

➼HOW are they always so sweaty

➼Maybe definitely that is the reason they are always so angry all the time

➼How can you thrive in an environment where your foes keep getting away because of your slippery body, huh??

➼Brings Vlastomil to shame

➼The Vesuvian temperature doesn't help one bit. Therefore this demon loves the winter, despite claiming to dislike it because "the colors don't go well with their outfits"

➼They definitely tried the "pads inside your clothes" lifehack to lessen the damage. Don't ask where the pads came from

➼Also those facial oil remover rolls? They got like four in each pocket

➼Weirdly cares a lot about skin care though, so they often brag that the oils are the cause of their baby soft skin

➼You could not find one (1) pore on this demon's face. And of course, everybody noticed that

➼They tried to profit off of this, and sold some wacky "skincare scrub cream" to the civillians. (For the purpose of buying some sick weapons with the cash of course) Didn't work. Had to wait for a whole generation to die off to escape the shame

➼So how does their makeup never get smeared? Don't ask an enby their secrets~~

Vlastomil

➼He, like Volta loves a good feast and always joins in whenever he can

➼However he hates when fish is served because it reminds him that worms are often used as bait to catch said fish

➼Glares at the palace aquarium as he walks by

➼He is probably the most normal one of the bunch

➼Doesn't have to deal with anything extreme

➼Good for him honestly

Extra: Valerius

➼He is slowly starting to go bald but admits it to no one

[p0gue420]

!Too Young To Feel Numb! (Kie x Reader)

ATTENTION!! There are a lot of trigger warnings in this one! Including: drinking, drugs, talks of feeling alone, depression.

Summary: Y/n started smoking weed at the age of 8, It’s all she’d known; She grew up around it so it was normal for her to start super young, she told herself that’s the farthest she’d go...only smoking weed..never any hard drugs. She thought she could learn from her parent's mistakes, guess not. 

pairing: Kie x female!reader, Rafe x Platonic! reader, JJ x Sister figure! reader

Warnings: Substance abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, marijuana Underage drinking,(reader is 15),

A/N: Alot of grammar errors because i dont feel like checking it so sorry....not really,hehe

---------

I use to think people were crazy for even thinking about doing anything harder than weed. Yeah...I was like 7 so it doesn’t count.”Yo you gonna babysit that shit or pass it, I mean...I have all day but  would love to do something besides wait for you to pass the blunt.” I rolled my eyes waiting for JJ to hand it to me.”Chill, what’s up your ass today?”

He finally passes it, after what felt like hours. I take a long hit before seeing he’s actually wanting me to answer his question.”Nothin. man, I’ve just got places to be.” I mumbled out hoping he wouldn’t start asking any further questions. He stares blankly awaiting me to pass it back, knowing I don’t share my feelings so he simply lays off. “Hey. You trynna go surfing today….whenever you’re done with your….things..?”

“Uhh, yeah text me and-” I’m cut off by the sound of my phone vibrating...Barry.

Barry:

Meet in twenty? I got extra today

I look up from my phone stuttering my words, and fumbling.“Uhm, I gotta go do something, but I’ll text you later to surf, yeah?” I say nodding towards JJ as I began walking out.”Uhm yea sure, hey-” I was already out the door.”-be safe.” he muttered to himself left wondering why I left so fast. On the way to my bike, I ran into Kie and Pope laughing about something before Kie began to make her way over towards me.

“Hey, Y/n! Heading out so fast, are we?”Kie pouted her lip out mimicking a whimpering sound.” heh, yeah sorry bub. I gotta go handle some things and I’ll be back later.” I peck her lips in a swift movement as well as pull up the front of her crop top, covering her exposed cleavage.”Those are my love,keep them covered” I wink at her. She laughs and heads inside after blowing me a kiss,that I catch and pretend to place in my heart..Wow im so whipped.

My thoughts cut off by a loud vibrating noise.

Barry:

You coming?

Read: 46 sec.ago

Me:

Omw now!

Read: just now

I hop on my bike heading over to Barry’s place knowing a shortcut I found a few days ago.

It only takes 10 minutes before i’m in front of his house walking up the steps of the porch.My clean oxygen is immediately replaced by the smell of cigarettes,weed,and...Is that burnt hair?I scrunch my face in disgust at the awful smells.”Aye look who it is!” Barry calls out after seeing my face, He’s standing beside..Rafe cameron.

Now...I’m not friends with Rafe but i also don’t exactly despise him.I babysat wheezie all summer last year,most the time he’d join..keep me company;I don’t think he knew i was with Kie but he’s not all bad.He’s helped me more times than I can count,only because i've done the same for him though.

“Yo waddup.I didn’t expect to see you here.” I share a short handshake with Barry and side hug Rafe,he seems unprepared for it so he stumbles a bit but eventually hugs back quickly.”uh yeah.just doing some..business” Rafe says avoiding eye contact,looking everywhere except my face.”anyway i'm gonna head out, i'll catch you guys later.” Rafe walks towards,im guessing his bike;I head inside following barry so i didn’t really catch what he drove in.

“So like I said I've got your usual ,and then I got a little extra something I thought you may like.”He continues on but I'm so wrapped up in the fact that I want to consume something soon,anything;I don’t know exactly what he's saying.”Sound good?” He asked “Uh what?sorry I zoned out a bit.”I shook my head pushing my long hair out of my eyes.”Look,Usually altogether this would be alot of money but considering I stole the pills,I'll spare you the oxy,wadda yuh say?”, “Yeah sure,80$?”

He nods his head holding his hand out as i hand him the money.He hands you a bag full of coke in a plastic baggy, along with the pills in its original container it was prescribed. “Ight,thanks man.Ill see you later next week!” I wave goodbye as I show myself out, shoving the ‘things’ I had bought into my bag and swinging it back on my back.

~Incoming call from:Bubbs<3

I instantly pick up not wanting to worry her.

I instantly hear the boys laughing and playing in the background,but wait for her to say something.”Hey baby, you heading back yet?” Kie questioned sounding bored of the childish boys we spend our time with.”Not yet,i promise im almost done,ask the boys if there's drinks at the chateau please.”She turns her head away from the boys asking what there is to drink besides sink water.

I hear a chorus of “We just stocked up”,”All good momma bird.” and other sayings coming from the overly hyper boys.”Did you hear that,or need me to repeat?” She hesitantly says, making sure I’m still listening ”Gotcha,I'm headed your way now,see you there” I say quickly hanging up without giving her time to respond.

I hop on my bike and drive towards…...the opposite of the chateau,instead deciding to go to the Camerons.I drive,stuck in thought of what ill do when i get there,not quite sure why i decided to come.I had been so lost in thought I didn’t realise I was suddenly at the Cameron residence. I park my bike and began walking up to the door,but before I can knock,Rafe walks up behind me.

“Y/n?” I swiftly turn around being scared for a minute before realizing who it was.”Oh!uhm. yeah...hey” I ‘smoothly’ say”what are you doing here?” he asks..The whole conversation was a blur and before I knew it I was walking up to his room to hang out.I sit on the bed laying back asking about what he wants to do.”I don't know,you came here,what'd you have in mind?” He asked curiously.”I'm not sure.” I snorted at my inability to maintain a conversation.

I dig into my bag as he starts up about how he broke his bed frame the other day, because he put too many boxes on the bed while getting rid of some old things. I finally found what I was looking for,the baggy of white powder.I lifted it up smiling widely.”Can I do this here or no?”I question,feeling my body begin to sweat at the thought of getting to snort the white powder.

“Uh,I mean.. yea sure,didn't know you did that kind of thing.. but I mean go ahead.” He rambles. He stares into space as I do a few lines, my eyes opening wide at the sensation of sudden adrenaline;I look over to see him trying not to stare.”Oh my bad,You want some?” I ask holding up the dollar folded into a cylinder shape , gesturing to the lines of coke spread on the dresser.

---

Hours go by,giggling,cracking jokes with rafe as well as doing oxy and maybe overdoing it with the coke seeing as the bag was almost gone.Rafe hasn't done much.I on the other hand was feeling VERY shaky and everything was just so hilarious..until it wasnt.My high started to get bad and overall scary.I must've did too much in such a limited amount of time.I look at my phone .

17 missed calls from Bubbs<3

8 missed calls from John B:)

9 missed calls from Popey boi

11 missed calls from JJ

Incoming call from Bubbs<3

“He-h-hello ,hi,hey.”

“DON'T ‘HI’ ME!” Kie instantly began screaming into the phone making me move my face away from it as Rafe looked at me with a worried expression on his face.

“Y/n,Where have you been! I’ve been so worried! I’ve-” I Blanked out again not in the mood to be yelled at.”Yeah,hey I nee-need,will-can youcomeandpickme up” I say jumbling all my words together. “Are you okay?Why are you talking like that?''She ask worried about my state of mind.

“Yeah am- I fine,Yes” I say yet again struggling to sound normal. I guess I was on speaker because JJ immediately began yelling into the phone asking about where I was.”Rafes house” Rafe sat silently waiting for them to break out into hysterics about me being with him.The phone went silent for a moment before the call ended.”So does that mean they not-....Vodka” was all i said before heading downstairs Rafe was sober enough to be able to notice what i was doing.I quickly went downstair searching through the freezer.

“Yessss.”I exclaimed before chugging the vodka.”Rafe continuously asking me to give him the bottle.I chugg at least half the pint bottle before having to give it up because Sarah comes down the stairs.”Y/n what're you doing here?” She asks excitedly until she saw me tripping over my own feet walking towards her,”Woah!” she caught me just before I hit the floor.

She turned to the door hearing someone pull up.Kie.”Rafe what did you do to her?” Sarah asked, holding me up scared of how out of it I was.”SHE BROUGHT COKE HERE,i did a bit with her, but she did A LOT. I legit did nothing this time I swear on everything!”He trailed back up the stairs not caring about the situation now that Sarah was there to take care of you. 

I began to sweat, tears running down my face. scared of what's happening to me.John b and Kie rush through the front doors asking where I am.”IN HERE GUYS!” Sarah screamed for them to hear her.My eyes rolling to the back of my head as I went in and out of consciousness.

“BABYYYY!!!” i exclaimed making grabby hands at Kie as i started crying harder

Sarah helped me stand up shakingly as I tried to walk to my girlfriend,She came running towards me with a concerned look on her face. She grabs my face pecking my lips,”Bub. I need you to listen to me, okay?” I nodd in awe of the gorgeous girl in front of me.”John B is gonna take you to the van,we need you to tell us everything you took to get in this state, okay?” I drowsily  nodded,growing tired.

Just as she said,the tall boy picked me up bridal style carrying me out to the twinkie.

I take notice to seating arrangement so i can close my eyes and know whos talking ,JJ being in the passenger seat,Pope watching From the bench behind the driver's seat.Kie stepped up into the van sitting on the floor of the vehicle waiting for John B to place me down beside her.As he did I sat up enough to lean my back against her chest.

JJ was surprisingly silent.Too silent.Pope looked so worried at my sweating body and dripping wet hair from  sweat,tears,and vodka mixture.”Okay,Y/n,What did you take?” my girlfriend sits grabbing my face turning me to face her, my legs straddling her thighs on the floor as I nuzzle my head into the crook of her neck,but she pushes my head up making me pout but not being able to maintain due to the dizziness. “I took a few oxy,uhm when I -then i did a few lines of coke,and…..i chugged half a pint of vodka..” i said tears filling my eyes trying to not look into anyone's eyes,

Silent JJ was no more .”Are you fucking kidding me.Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n.You’re not supposed to take oxy and drink alcohol together.much less do oxy or coke at all.ARE YOU DUMB!” JJ began turning around. A Quiet ‘im sorry’ came from my mouth.John B finally pulled into the chateau.

Kie carried me while my face stayed nuzzled in her neck still crying due to my,still,VERY high state.she sat me down on the couch out on the porch as everyone except her,went to get a few things.Pope came back with water and a wet rag to place on my head.JJ brought a blanket,John B came back empty handed because he only went inside to pee.

“Kie?” I whispered scared she was mad.”Yes baby?” 

“Are you mad at me?” I questioned hiding my face in her shoulder due to the amount of dizziness being insured. She leaned her head on mine with an unknown amount of emotions,not quite sure of how to fully answer. “No I- I just don’t know what you were thinking I just- Well I figured you wouldn’t ever do anything like this considering what we talked about-and -and what you went through with your parents..” 

“I know-I wanted to feel better tho..I just feel like i have no one-”

Shortly realising the guys were still in on the conversation as Pope cut in.

“Y/n, you have,and always will have us..” I lift my head from the girls shoulder  before slowly looking at Pope in his sad worried eyes.

“I guess, I like-I dont know guys what you want me to say..Im trying to be better for myself for everybody,but nothing was working and i ran into barry one day and we talked and he offered a way to help,of course i was hesitant but its really not that bad...Im actually fine!” I said standing up as John b followed me.

“y/n, you were just saying you need help,so what the fuck are we supposed to do ,one minute you need help and having to be ushered here so you dont die! And-and-the next thing you’re yelling at us about how your fine,you’re not fine and you know it!” I stopped as I watched the long haired boy fight back tears trying to explain how all of them feel.

“Fuck you guys honestly,Im not a child i know how i feel,this is all just bullshit!” I yelled at them all, I ran to the spare bedroom covered in sweat,tears,and vodka; I slowly sink into the bed as tears fall down my face crying myself to sleep,what i didn’t know was that my bestfriend’s and girlfriend were all huddled up outside the door awaiting me to fall asleep so that they could come in and cuddle me to make me feel better.Sometimes things get better, but i dont think this is one of those times atleast for now anyway..

[dear-wormwoods]

Additional thoughts about Eddie’s addiction to prescription pills:

Personal headcanon is that the sedative dependency began a while ago - maybe early 20’s, probably after his first or second attempt to move out. The reason Sonia graduated from placebos to getting him prescribed real shit? Turns out Eddie is a lot more agreeable and less likely to leave if he’s regularly sedated.

So by the time Sonia dies, he’s been “cruising” (his word, oh Eddie...) for at least a decade and has no intention of stopping. He can, and regularly does, explain why he “needs” all of it, but the real reason is that being numb is easier than facing the fact that he’s missed out on everything life has to offer.

Sometimes I think about how 1990 Eddie takes that one bottle of pills and just straight up pours it into his mouth. Like okay, so not only are we not following labels, we aren’t even eyeballing this shit anymore? We’re just going for it, huh? If IT hadn’t gotten to him first, his liver eventually would have.

Also, Eddie trusts pharmaceuticals SO much that I’m like 99% sure all of his “dietary restrictions” in Chapter Two are in fact born from misinterpreting side effects. Intestinal pain from all of the unsafe drug combinations in my system? Must be all that gluten!! I have the chills because I’ve gone a couple days without my medicine? Can’t be withdrawal symptoms, nope, gotta be a soy allergy.

[dakarimainink]

Chapter 5

WARNING: Mild language

Mark stood waiting outside the entrance of my building with an umbrella. He had short and dark brown curly hair, partnered with a pair of brown eyes with hints of golden flakes. His warm smile made me almost forget about the rain as I approached him. He stretched out his hand and I gently shook it. “Nice to meet you, Luna.” He began. His hand was warm and soft by the touch. “The café is down this street.” He gestured towards down the road.

“Let’s go then.” I smiled and we made our way down the road. We walked close to each other to seek shelter under the umbrella. There were no one else walking down the road and not a car in sight. As we made our way down, a warm light emitted from the other side of the road. A wooden sign with the words; Midnight Coffee, were painted on.

Mark opened the glass door and let me through first. There were a few people sitting around, drinking coffee and reading a book or a paper. It had an old English style to it with dark red and brown tones, leather wingback chairs, wooden tables, a fake fireplace at the end of the room and a warm and low light. The smell of freshly ground coffee mixed with fruity tea seeped through my nostrils as we walked up to the barista. It was completely silent in the café, except for a distance chime of the spoon stirring in a cup and the sound of fire crackling.

The barista only greeted us with a smile. On the wall behind her was a small selection of coffee and tea. We made our orders quietly in order to not disturb anyone and sat down by one of the tables.

“It’s so quiet and nice in here.” I remarked and glanced around in the room. “I’ve never been here before.”

“This is my go-to place whenever I can’t sleep. Not a lot of people know it’s a 24-hour open café. It’s like my own little hideout at night.” He smiled and leaned back in his chair. “So, what kept you up tonight?”

I looked over at him. I knew I couldn’t tell him a handsome stranger kept me up, so I decided to go with a half truth instead. “Work. I have a lot of responsibility with one of the projects and it just keeps me up.” I rubbed the back of my neck as I felt a sting of guilt for lying. “What about you?” I asked and leaned forward on my elbows.

“Just regular insomnia. Been seeing a therapist about it, but they don’t know the cause, so they just prescribed pills for me.” He chuckled.

“Isn’t that the solution for everything these days?” I laughed.

“Indeed.”

The barista came over with our coffee and tea and silently placed it on the table. I reached forward to take a sip. Fuck! Too hot! I felt the sting linger on the tip of my tongue. I never learned from previous mistakes, how old would I be until I finally learned that tea is hot and should cool down before consumed.

“What do you work as?” He asked.

I ribbed the tip of my tongue against my palate. It helped some to linger the pain, but deep down I wished I had something cold. “I’m a freelance copywriter for Hopper Media. It’s a good job, but I think I am seeking something else in life.” I answered and kept my hands wrapped around the warm cup of tea. It was a nice contrast to the chilly rain outside. “What do you work as?”

“I’m a surgeon. More specifically a Cardiothoracic surgeon.” He replied. My eyebrows shot up before tying themselves together. He let out a chuckle as he saw my face expression change. “It means I specialize in surgical procedures of the heart, lungs and other organs in the chest.” He explained and I nodded in understanding. It sounded impressive that he was a surgeon. I had never been to the hospital to get any kind of operation, as I was a careful woman. I hadn’t even broken a single bone in my life, I considered it a small achievement. “I managed to get a week off, but still on calling duty. So if I get a call, I gotta go.”

“Do you enjoy it?” I asked. I myself had no trouble with blood but thinking of opening up a person and see the insides gave me chills. I had great respect for anyone working on bodies in general.

“Yes I do. It’s an interesting job, I feel you learn something new each day and I get to truly put my skills to the test every day. I have great colleagues as well.” He answered honestly. “And it pays well.” He cackled out and a stranger hushed at him. He sucked in his lips while trying to keep back a grin. He leaned forward and took a sip from his coffee. “You said you wanted something else in life. You’re not happy where you are?”

I gently bit my lower lip as my eyes glanced at my tea. “Well, I like where I am now, it’s much better than where I used to be. But I feel that copywriting isn’t really my thing. I want to write and act. I want to contribute to this world and leave a piece of me that people can remember for ages.” I admitted and fiddled with my own fingers. “I am contempt, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I could offer the world something else.”

“You know, Luna, life isn’t about leaving the biggest mark on this world, it’s about leaving a small piece of yourself, no matter how small it is. If you can change only one life, even if that is your own, then that – for me at least – is more than enough of a mark.” He grinned at me with his chocolate eyes. I felt my stomach do a small flip as I felt his words hit my heart.

He was right in some way, but a part of me was greedy and if I could leave behind a mark to reach more people, then I would definitely go for it. “Seems easy to say for a man who changes and saves lives every day.” The words came out harsher than I wanted them to. I covered my mouth with one hand as my eyes widened out. “That didn’t sound right, I am sorry.”

He just chuckled and leaned forward in his seat. “No, you’re right.” He scanned my face with a wide smile. “I appreciate your honesty.”

We continued to talk for another while. Enjoying each other’s company as we drank our beverages and talked about everything we could. I learned that Mark liked to dance tango, play guitar and to cook. As a child he wanted to become a firefighter but followed his father’s footsteps and became a surgeon instead. He used to be bullied for his looks and brains as a child and for the fact that he was mostly home-schooled. His pet peeve was loud chewing, line cutters and slow walkers, (which I of course agreed with, because slow walkers were the worst). At the end of our conversation, we realised we had been going on for about two hours talking non-stop. The thing that brought our attention to the time was my wide yawn mid-sentence.

“Perhaps we should get going. You seem a bit heavy-eyed.” He chuckled and stood up from his chair. I nodded in agreement and we made our way out of the café. The rain had calmed down to a slight drizzle.

We made our way to outside my apartment building. Without thinking I leaned forward and hugged him. He hugged me back in a warm embrace and I couldn’t help but smile. “I had a great time getting to know you, Luna. I hope we can meet up another time.” He said and we let go of each other.

I took a step back to give ourselves some breathing room. “I would like that, Mark. I had a lot of fun. Much better than tossing in bed.” I laughed.

“Agreed.” He remarked. “You have my number, so give me a text when you want to meet up and I’ll see where I can squeeze in some time.” He smiled.

I smiled back at him before entering the building. I looked over my shoulder and saw he waved at me as I was about to walk up the stairs. I waved back before walking up to my apartment.

I entered my apartment and locked the door behind me. Mozart was lying in the windowsill sleeping. I walked over to him and stroked his body. He let out a meow followed by purring. I slid out of my clothes and crashed down into bed. Mozart followed pursuit and lay down on the second pillow. The thought of Mark made me smile, as I thought back on our conversation and how open he had been.

My eyes suddenly popped open and widened out. Oh god… another man to dream about. Fuck me!

CHAPTER LIST

[the-voice-of-hell]

Rent is Theft, part 19

Read from the beginning here, read the previous chapter here.  Note:  My MC is a Filipina trans woman and I am not.  If you have notes on that or anything else, hit me up.

                                                        ***

      In retrospect, it was a pretty big leap from my success with the allergy medicine to assuming I could make sorcery happen, but I did not hesitate or doubt what I was attempting to do.  My worry of it not working was less about a lack of faith in magic than a lack of confidence in my choices of method.  

But whatever those doubts, once I had my plan, I committed to it.

      I moved all the remaining furniture out of the living room except one tiny end table that would serve as my “wooden altar.”  I used bulk white chalk to create the magic circle, ladled with a little dustpan.  The prescribed seven foot diameter was just about the entire width of my little living room.  Inside that I used the bulk chalk to make an equilateral triangle about five feet per side.  I had put on a face mask and sprayed the surface of that geometry with a fixative I’d brewed up with a combination of research and guesswork.  It didn’t have to be permanent, just last long enough for some use, and I figured the high school technique of using hairspray to fix pastels on construction paper wasn’t going to work here.

      I leaned against my kitchenette to rest, observing the work.  Sloppy, but could be worse.  I went back at it, writing three symbols of Mercury inside the triangle in yellow chalk.  That had to be sidewalk chalk, so it was much more slow going.  The triangle called for “various symbols of Mercury” and the most I could find that seemed legit was the three - the caduceus, of course, with snakes entwining a winged rod; an astrological symbol that looked like Venus with horns; and the periodic table abbreviation Hg.  At the end I used my fixative again.

      That was the hard stuff, and took more than an hour to complete.  After that my room had a chemical smell, but I needed to eat, so I grabbed some string cheese, peanuts, and a bottle of wine to the bedroom.  Rest.  It had been a long morning and would be very easy to fall asleep, but I resisted.  I rolled the glass on my face, cool with condensation.

      I finished the whole bottle, just in case the drunkenness was an important ingredient.  Although when should I be doing that drinking?  Should I have done it before the chalk?  Later, right before midnight?  The bottle had me feeling chill, but not really drunk.  My tolerance was getting high.  Bad shit.

      There were two brushed steel racks holding spot lights for the walls, one on each side of the room.  I ran a string between them as taut as I could get it, and from that hung my St. Hubert bottle of mercury.  Along the rest of the line I used clothespins to hang rumpled blue-violet wolfsbane flowers.  At regular intervals around the outer circle, I placed glass olive oil bottles with their contents drained and replaced with candles - for the time remaining unlit.  On the island counter of the kitchenette, I reserved two places for my blood mixture and for the sulfur-beaverbutt-camphor mixture.  On the opposite side of the circle, out by the window, one of the olive oil candle bottles sat on the little side table with my three wands.

      Were they wands or switches?  They were meant for violence, at least per the book.  The previous night I’d tried to soften the business ends by sanding them and covering them with frayed twine.  I didn’t know how important it was for Knobby to get hit with the very specific woods involved, so it wasn’t perfect coverage.  It was surely going to sting.

      Not drunk enough.  I opened a box of wine in the fridge and poured a glass, then walked out to the living room.  “Evil spirits, your time is nigh!  I am a highly magical bitch!”  I drank the glass to the bottom, then threw it into the far corner of the room, where it broke against the window and lay in sparkling chunks.  I let my head dip, my eyes close.  “I am a highly magical b--”

      There was a knock at the door.  I answered, opening a comfortable crack for my floories.  “Hello guys.”

      Marcie asked, “Eh, are you drunk, honey?”

      “Whu-?  Oh.  Listen, I’m only a lil’ tipsy, and it’s for magical reasons.  I’m serious now.”

      Marcie and Mike had teamed up, and were at the door together.  Mike said, “So, we haven’t found Knobby.  Getting pretty bushed, gotta take a break.”

      “Want to come into my humble witch’s den?  There is no furniture in the living room now.”

      “That’s OK, Courtney.  We’ll go to my place, charge up my cellphone for a bit.”

      “Right on.  You know where Momi is lookin’?”

      “Last time we passed her she was on some floors downstairs.”

      “He won’t be down there,” I thought aloud.  “Thanks, guys.  I’m about ready in here.  I’ll see you later.”

      They left, I drank a bit of water and took a bathroom break, then went out to find Momi.  I still didn’t expect to find Knobby while I was at it, just wanted to be close to her again.  Out in the hall I heard the elevator.  I glanced that way to see Perry coming back from who knows where.  He didn’t acknowledge me, but gave the untended eyeballs in the hall corners a sad look.  I went into the stairwell.  I’ll clean up that crap for you when I get back, buddy.

      I found Momi walking around the eighth floor and smiled as I stumbled toward her.  She gave me a concerned look.  “Are you OK?  You’re drunk.”

      “I’m only a little drunk, and it’s not because I’m losing my nerve.  It’s for magical reasons.  Magical, I swear!”

      “Mmm, OK, I guess.”  She had clamped a strong hand on my shoulder to arrest my sloppy affection, so no hugging was to be had.  That said, her touch made me happy.  Her strength made me feel weak, in a good way.

      “So I was thinking, there’s nobody living on these floors right now, so we should just look upstairs.  Where the biddies are.”

      “Biddies?”

      “The old ladies that are complaining about our dogboy.”

      “Heheh.  I guess a werewolf is just a dogboy, expecially if he’s a teenager.”

      “Shit, you’re so cute.  That’s why I act funny, so I can see you smile.”  I tried to get my paws on her, but she still held me back.  “Weh.  What can I do, baby?”  I gave up and clasped my hands together in a prayer to my goddess, probably giving off Peter Lorre Mad Love vibes.

      “We should go.  You aren’t wearing your allergy medicine.”  She pointed at the carpet.

      I looked down.  She had the pill amulet on and the floor around her sneakers was fine.  The carpet under my feet was puffing and pinkish, starting to glisten.  “Oh Christ.”

                                                        ***

      We got my amulet and took the elevator to the top floor, which again had a different layout from our floor.  There were still a few small apartments available, but the spacing of the doors suggested large penthouse suites.  I remembered how much those cost from the listings when I moved in.  It made me wanna knock the top off the fucking building.       The hall there was designed to admit a maximum of sunlight and had much more powerful indoor lighting as well, keeping it bathed in an overwhelming glow.  Having never seen that hall before, I felt like an escapee from Plato’s cave, about to get shot by the guards and chucked back into the underground.

      But from the brief visit I knew the day was rapidly diminishing.  If we couldn’t turn up Knobby, this full moon might be a bust.  Still, if we couldn’t turn up Knobby, it also meant I could just spend my night loving my girlfriend, which was much more pressing in my mind just then.

      We entered the stairwell, ready to go floor to floor again.  A few steps in and I tripped, about to fall hard and break apart like dry kindling.  Momi grabbed me and held me still on the stairs.  One of my ankles was slightly twisted, my feet were on different steps, my hips twisted in place.  I untangled them and set my feet carefully in place on the closer step.

      When she spoke her lips were right by my ear.  I could feel her breath on me.  “Courtney!  Be careful!  Holy Jesus.”

      “You better hold me just a little longer, I’m not... quite...”  No, I was totally set.  I just loved the feeling, squished against her soft body in her big arms, though my head wrap was probably whacking her in the eyes.  “OK, I’m good.”  I held the rail this time.  I moved slow to trick her into going down side by side with me, then I matched her pace.

      “You ready to wrestle a dogboy?,” I asked.

      “You think he will fight me?”

      “I guess he might come if we ask nice.  If we say we have doggy biscuits.”

      “Good.  I don’t want to hurt him.”

      “Yeah...  So if this works, maybe we can do exorcisms on our heads, y’know?  Unsquirrel your hair.  What would you do with your hair, if you could control it again?”

      We opened the door and looked into the hall of the next floor down.  No Knobby.

      “Ooh, I don’t know.  What would look pretty?”

      “Anything on you, baby.  Maybe just to show your hair who’s boss you could do some crazy punk rock ’do.  Like a big bright red and pink mohawk with leopard spotted buzz on one side and green and purple liberty spikes on the other.”

      “Oh my god, that would be so weird.”

      “Braided pigtails.”

      “I tried that before.  It takes too long, and it hurts.”

      “Trim the sides and back, do a big pompadour.”

      “Like Janelle Monáe?  She can only do that because she’s skinny and pretty.”

      I opened the door to the next floor down and peeked in.  Nothing.  “Uggh, come on, babe.  You can do whatever you want.  And we’re just daydreaming here, right?  Wildest dreams, silly time.  What would you do?”

      “I don’t know.”

      “I’m gonna bleach your ends white and dye them bright fuchsia.  How you like that?”

      “I guess I don’t mind.”

      “Oh you don’t mind, huh?  What else could I do to you, that you’d just sit there and tolerate?”

      “Courtney, do you really wanna know how far you can push, before I put you in a dumpster?”

      “Augh!  Oh no, baby, I sure don’t!”

      “It’s OK.  I wouldn’t put you in a dumpster.”

      “So can I paint your face like a clown?”

      “What?  Why would you wanna do that?”

      “Not a scary clown, Momi.”  I looked in on another empty floor.  “Like a cute clown.”

      “Do you wanna have sex with a clown?”

      “Never thought about it.  Might be fun.”

      “I would sit and tolerate that.”

      “Whoa.  Kinky.  But it wouldn’t be fun if you were a total pillow princess about it.  You’d have to do something clowny.  Like, uh, slap me with a toy fish or something.”

      “I could tolerate that.”

      “That’s just... fucking amazing.  What should I do with this newfound sex power I have?  To get you to do weird stuff.”

      “Hehehe.”

      “That sounds like carte blanche to me.  I’m gonna go mad with power.”

      We looked in on another floor.  Some young dude was walking into his apartment and stopped a moment when he noticed us.  We acknowledged each other with little nods and he went on.  We continued our descent.

                                                        ***

      Marcie reached Richie on her cell, Richie was getting sporadic texts from Olivia, and supposedly the kids were going to come back home before midnight.  Word was that they had found Knobby’s deformity pretty useful for garnering sympathy while panhandling, were trying to make the most of it.

      I had my doubts but through the phone game we found out there were too many possible spots they were using, and they changed spots several times per day, so hunting them down would be a huge pain.  We settled in to wait for them.

      When Graeme came home at eight, he said he’d met Patrick in the hall, and Patrick told him the biddies were at it again - claiming that very afternoon someone had seen a large dog in the hall, urinating this time.  I went floor to floor, looking for the spot, and found it on the fourteenth floor.  When had he slipped by us?

      Marcie got worn out, while Mike seemed more energetic as the night went on, so we let him do some searching by himself - on the condition that he keep his green ass out of sight.  Around ten, Patrick reported back that he’d seen the werewolf, but it got away.  He had barely seen it, only had another deuce it had left in the hall to confirm his suspicions of what the hustling figure had been.

      In response to that, we had Richie text Olivia again.  She got back to say she and Knobby were almost home.  I found that too vexing to really consider.  I shushed Richie when he started following that train of thought to its obvious conclusion.

      Olivia and Knobby took the elevator up and were immediately grabbed up by Patrick and swept into my apartment.  That can’t have been very comforting, but they seemed genially clueless when brought before their queen.

      “Hello kids,” I said.  “This is a bit of a surprise party for you, Knobby.”

      He beamed nervously.  His smile was huge and white for a homeless kid.  I think at some point he had said his dad was a dentist.  “Wha-a-a-at?  Really?  Look like...”  He lost his train of thought as his eyes took in the whole scene - the chalk circle, the single chair in the center of the room over the hermetic symbols.

      Olivia asked, “What the fuck is this shit?”

      By now we had Momi, Richie, Deandre, Graeme, and Patrick in the room.  Graeme looked ready to step in and be politic, but it was my show.  I answered, “It’s nothing bad.  Olivia, how hard are you holding your neck down right now?  You notice we’re all having problems like that?”

      “What’s it got to do with-”

      “What’s it got to do with me?,” Knobby said.

      “This seems like it’s the building’s way of trying to get us caught.  Somebody in particular has been turning into a dog and causing a scene around our neighbors.  We have to stop it.”

      “Oh no,” Olivia said, “They’re gonna kill you!”

      I rolled my eyes and showed them both palms.  “No sacrificial dagger here, kids.  Come on.”

      Knobby went back on his haunches in a truly dog-like fashion, cringing in fear.  “Oh no!”

      “We’re not even going to hurt you, seriously!  I came up with this magic spell.  We have to spank you with those wands and pour some gross magic sauce on you, but you’ll be fine!  Not even a bruise.”

      He clung to her thigh pathetically.  Suddenly her head turned completely upside down, her neck escaping the collar of her unseasonably heavy jacket.  She scrambled to sort herself out, push the neck back in.  “Ugh!”

      “We have to do it guys.  I’ll let you use my shower to clean up after, OK?  Just, please, cooperate?”

      “I don’t wanna,” he whimpered.

      Richie said, “When has she ever hurt us guys?  If Courtney says you’re going to be OK, you’re going to be OK.  Chill, bro.”

      “If this works,” Graeme said, “We’re all going to do it, to cure our problems.  My red hands, Olivia’s neck, Mike’s green skin...”

      Olivia settled her head down, buttoned the jacket collar to hold her neck in again.  “Mmm, I dunno...”

      Knobby finally let go of her leg, tried to prop himself up to a standing position - still a deep crouch.  “I guess if everyone is gonna do it, I don’t like having to creep around like this.  You swear it won’t hurt?”

      “It might hurt a tiny bit.”  I pointed to the table with the wands.  “We’re going to smack you with those sticks a few times, but just a few times, right?  Then I’m going to pour this gross stuff on you - some reheated pig blood and a magic potion.  Both have to be pretty hot, but they won’t be boiling, OK?”

      “Oh God, that’s gross,” he muttered, but he wasn’t trying to get away anymore.

      “I’m glad you’re helping out, because the ritual says we’re supposed to tie you up, and I don’t wanna hafta do that.  We care about you guys.”

      “Speak for your damn selfs,” Perry said, as Marcie brought him into the room.

      “Be nice, Perry,” Marcie said.

      “I don’t know you,” he groaned.

      Patrick took him by the arm off to the far side of the circle.

      I looked to Marcie.  “Only missing Mike now.”

      “He was so rambunctious, wanted to keep looking.  I haven’t had a chance to let him know we found Knobby already, and he doesn’t have a cellphone.”

      “We’ll do this without him if we have to, but I really want everybody to be here.  One, just so everybody knows what we’re all doing - so nobody gets any wrong ideas or loses trust.  And two, I feel like the spell is more likely to work if we’re all in attendance.”

      Grime said, “I sit on my ass all day at work.  I could use the workout.  Anybody else feel rested enough to go bring Mike back?”

      Deandre said, “My feet are tore up.”

      Almost everybody had done a ton of walking around town, or at work, or upstairs and down.

      Richie said, “I’m kinda beat, but it’s important.  I’ll help out.”

     “Alright,” said Grime.  “If we do this logically, there’s no way he can get past us.  I say we have one of us in each stairwell, right..?”  He kept splaining as they went out the door.

      I addressed the rest of the floories.  “OK, you’re all guests here!  It’s a while before midnight, so head on into my bedroom.  I have a selection of comfy seats, I’ll bring in beverages - just watch out for the chalk.  Thanks Patrick, just step over... OK, there you go.”

      They all went in to relax.  I had some bowls of chex mix for the occasion, the kind with bugles and cheez-its.  Hopefully nobody had food allergies or was vegan.  I came back with a box of wine, a sleeve of red disposable cups, and a big jug of cheap fruit punch.

      “Alright, here’s the stuff.  Anybody want anything else?  I can slice some cheese, got some donuts but they might be a bit stale.”

      A few people availed themselves of that hospitality, others started chatting, and a few minutes later I was able to settle in beside Leimomi.  She smiled weakly at me, then we both did the same to Olivia and Knobby, who were sitting across from us.  I realized too late that was probably in creepy unison, and had a dark chuckle.  Knobby laughed nervously, Olivia did not.

      “I’m really hoping this works, guys, and if it doesn’t, the worst that happened is we wasted our time and Knobby had to take a shower.  OK?”

      “I got ya, I got ya,” he said.

      “It’ll be great to get out of these stupid head wraps.  Momi and I are looking like fake Erykah Badus.”

      “Who’s that?,” Olivia asked.

                                                        ***

   Read next chapter here.

[take-my-revolution]

yeah so there’s this thing

where i’ve gotten older but definitely no wiser.

how to sum up the year?  it started ok.  i really think it did, but it could just be the brain fog.

then increased anxiety.

then lowered energy

then i couldn’t lose weight no matter how well i ate and i was walking 7+ miles a day

then i got the dry mouth.

then i got even less energy

then i couldn’t sleep

shortly thereafter i didn’t want to eat any more

it’s all been downhill from there, man.  oh, the doctors whose time i have wasted.  oh, the doctors who have wasted mine.  the hoops i have jumped through! to be taken seriously.  heaven forbid that a fat woman with depression have any sort of actual medical issue.

and now it’s the day before thanksgiving, and i’m impatiently waiting for blood work results that should have come in on friday.  they’ll either say: congrats, babe, you’ve got cushings syndome! or they’ll say: this test was inconclusive and we need to...do more tests.  well, that is what the results will say TO ME, because i know how to research stuff.  my doctor does not.  he says that if i suppress AT ALL on a low dose overnight dexamethasone test, that means definitively, i don’t have cushings.  i did send him the article from some journal of endocrinology that points out that some cushings patients can still suppress.

my life is kind of crappy these days, you could say.  you could say really crappy, actually, and you’d be totally right.  i wouldn’t correct you if you said it was ultra-crappy.

maybe i should do some schadenfreude research into other sorts of brain tumors.  make myself feel better about my potential brain tumor.  because, i mean, really, except for the part where it destroys your pituitary gland’s ability to function, it’s not so bad, right? it’s small.  it’s not malignant.  they generally don’t have to crack your skull open to get it out.  best brain tumor ever, right?

except where the part where it destroys your pituitary gland’s ability to function.  i mean, i’m thinking most people with brain tumors have what, like, terrible headaches, and maybe nosebleeds, and maybe seizures and poor vision...okay that does sound unpleasant, right, but what i’m saying is at least their endocrine system can still function, right?  like there’s a zillion hormones that run your body and maybe three of mine are working right. 

i mean, i take a ton of pills.  i did before, and now i take more, because i have to take a pill 4 times a day to make my mouth salivate properly.  i have to take a pill to keep my heart from beating 120 bpm at rest and my blood pressure being through the roof.  i have to take a pill to pathetically try to convince my insulin/glucagon balance to be anywhere near normal.  i have to take a pill to sleep at night, because otherwise i will lie awake--not obsessing or anything, just awake, until 4:30 am whereupon i go to sleep for...two hours.  i may need more pills because i’m crying most of the time and when i’m not i’m super irritated by everything.  they can’t give me anything to boost my energy because that would make my heart beat even faster, and apparently no one cares that i’m never hungry because they’re like, she’s fat anyway, whatever, not like she’ll die of starvation if she doesn’t eat for a few days.  (or two months because that’s how long it’s been since i felt hungry) wait don’t forget i also have to take pills to make me poop because my digestion doesn’t work, AND pills to lower my stomach acid because that’s out of whack too.

kinda makes you wonder how many different pills they were going to prescribe me before somebody put two and two (more like ten and ten) together and said, hmm i wonder if this person doesn’t actually have a broader issue?  do you think all these symptoms that appeared at roughly the same time could possibly be related?

crazy talk.

anyhoo, i’m sure i’ll have lots to say soon about the goddamn struggle that is trying to get a diagnosis.  i may have to keep book on how long it’ll take to see an endocrinologist.  hey, i gotta make money somehow.  what do you think?  a month? two? that’s peachy, i’ll just be chilling over here, trying not to die.  that’s what i do most of the time. 

my first estimate was that i’d get scheduled for surgery in january, but i think that’s overly optimistic.  november’s pretty much over.  still gotta do some other tests, and get an mri, and pray that it shows something, and THEN get scheduled for surgery.  and if i have to wait a month to talk to an endocrinologist, well, yeah.

nobody treats brain tumors any more with the seriousness they deserve, amirite?

ooh also guess what i’m probably immunosuppressed which means if i get covid i could die!  yay!